Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Expanded Bustlines, Smelly Good Stuff, and Victoria's Secret

I have a secret love affair with Victoria's Secret. Sort of by nature, I'm not much of a least I don't much enjoy actually getting out and doing the deed. That doesn't mean that I'm not good at it when I do go shopping - I just don't "live to shop". But Victoria's Secret is my silent indulgence in the world of shopping.

By all rights, according to the industry standards set by the companies who create and manufacture beauty products and lingerie; the fashion industry; advertising agencies; the entertainment industry; the media; and the public in general, it should be against the law for me to even set foot in a Victoria's Secret. VS doesn't cater to women like me.

It's not news that VS is especially known to flaunt it products by using models who don't even begin to closely resemble the women of the 'real world'. These "angels" used to tout their products are concocted by men to capture the fantasies of men the world over...and in turn, to make women believe that if they buy and wear all these fabulous products they offer, then they will be able to fulfill the fantasies of men the world over. Hmmmfff...

I'm a girl of rather larger proportions...especially in the "housing of the girls". I'm built like my mother's family - big boned, big busted, broad shouldered, wide pelvised, tall, German women who carry a lot of meat on those bones. We were built for trodding along behind plow horses, hefting 100 pound feed sacks, carrying yokes loaded with a dozen filled water buckets for miles, and popping out babies like Pez dispensers . We are not a petite, demure, especially feminine form of the species.

I carry most of those traits. Now mind you, I'm not a line backer by any means, and the boys say I clean up good. I have my moments. I'm just not a size double 0, 87 pounds, and 5 foot nothin'.

I'm fortunate in that in my 47 years, I've managed to not look as old as I really am. If I brush my hair some and put on a little makeup, people will tell me they think I'm in my early to mid thirties. Give 'em a doggie biscuit! And I rarely stand up to correct their stupid assumptions. I just say "thank you" and move on. I so seldom get to hear the truth about much of anything these days ;). It's not something I've done on purpose through the years to try to keep a youthful look to my least not labored over it. Whatever it is that floats around in my genetic make up dictates it for the most part. My mother was always very young looking for her age, at any age, and so was her mother. I got some of that and it has served me well...especially in the music industry where looks are 99% and talent is that order to be successful in a career...but I also worked my ass off to to find that success.

I was aware of VS for a few years before I ever tried any of their products or set foot in one of their stores. During those years I pretty much thought it was slutty advertising. of slutty products. by slutty women. for slutty women. I didn't consider myself slutty and therefore had no need or desire to validate their slutty efforts by giving them any of my slutty - oops, rather, hard earned money. Slutty was just something I did not do...or so I thought.

Many years ago when I was living in Dallas and singing for a living, my friend Libby gave me some VS toiletries as a gift one Christmas. She told me where she had purchased them (in case I wanted to exchange), which happened to be in the same mall where I worked part time (starving artist singers gotta eat too). I was always aware that VS was there but I paid it no never mind. It just didn't appeal to me...and I was a child of WalMart, because of budget...and ignorance.

The gift she had given me was a gift set of body wash and body lotion. It was "red apple' scented (that later I would learn was only available around Christmas time). I was a little afraid to check out the pink potions she had given me: 1. I'm sensitive to lots of stuff like that and have to be careful about what I use or I get these horrid, big ass rashes that don't go away for weeks; 2. I was a little intimidated by the fact that this was from Victoria's Secret. I shoved it in the bathroom closet and didn't think about it again for a couple of months. Fortunately, Libby never asked me what I thought of the stuff.

One evening as I was showering and getting ready for a regular gig, I discovered that I was just about out of all the things I normally used to 'clean up' with. I had just enough shampoo for one more wash, but 'nary a drop of body wash or bar of soap. I hadn't had time or energy to go shopping to restock (in those days, I sang from 8 p.m. til 2 or 3 a.m. six nights a week, and got up early the next morning...usually hung over...for my job in the mall five days a week. There was nooooooo energy or time left for much of anything else). I dug around in the closet where I kept all that sort of thing and discovered the ONLY thing left was the VS gift set given to me months earlier. I picked it up, looked at it a minute and decided that slutty or not, I wasn't gonna sing grubby. So I tore the plastic wrap off the package and proceeded with my normal shower routine.

I washed my hair first as usual. Then came the washing of body parts. I squeezed some of the red apple scented liquid in my hand, prayed HARD that I wasn't allergic to it, and set to scrubbing. As I smoothed this pail pink lotiony concoction over me, I was suddenly taken aback by just how WONDERFUL this stuff smelled. It was like cutting open fresh picked apples straight from the tree - which I HAVE done and KNOW what that smells like. No cinnamon. No spice. Just sheer, juicy, crisp apple. The fragrance alone sent me reeling. Next I noticed how silky and sensuous the lather had become. It was the softest, sexiest, most luxuriating feeling. I was in heaven. I wanted to stay in this cloud of sweet smelling deliciousness and lavish in it's sensuous layers of silkiness forever. But darn it all, I did need to speed it along some and be at work on time. So I ~reluctantly~ hopped out of the shower to proceed with the rest of the routine.

Since the shower gel was so sinfully delicious, I HAD to try the body lotion. I slathered it all over and got the same rush as in the shower, only this had longer lasting effects. The next day my skin was sooooo soft and smooth....and I didn't break out into rashiness either. This was the greatest stuff ever, and by God, I was gonna get more! I had instantly been transformed into one of the soldiers in the slut brigade...and I was gonna give 'em my slutty money!

The next day during my lunch hour at my job in the mall, I scurried down the hall to the VS I had so adamantly avoided all this time. I discovered the store was divided into two sections: one side for the lingerie - one side for the smelly good stuff. I puttered around in the lingerie for the slimmest of minutes...and then followed my nose to Nirvana.

When I reached the other side of the store, I couldn't believe what I saw...or smelled. Walls from bottom to top FILLED with potions, lotions, scrubs, perfumes, and colognes in all all sorts of colors, textures, and fragrances. I was a kid in a candy shop. I wanted to feel and smell each and every one. But my time was limited, so I asked an associate for the red apple scented products. She showed me what I was looking for and I bought three, as they were 3 for $21. I thought that was an amazing price for such rich indulgence. I had struck gold. During the remainder of my tenure as an employee at this particular mall, I went to VS as often as possible to browse and shop until I moved away.

I've moved around the country quite often over the years. Every time I relocate, there are three things I look for as soon as I get there: 1. Sonic Drive In; and tied for 2nd place: WalMart and Victoria's Secret. If those things don't exist withing a five minute driving time for me, I don't wanna live there. Just can't do it.

Fast forward to today: when time allows, I still wander around in VS. I've spent all these years shopping when I had the money, and window shopping when I didn't. I still do. No one has ever really known about my love for this place and the things it has to offer. It's my secret little indulgence I prefer to keep to myself. I love to go alone and take my time without influence of a BFF. or a boy friend. or a husband. or an anything. I even over look the baked on, sprayed on tanned, with the overly colored, processed hair, and excessively made up associates with their VS push up bra's pushing these gals boobs up to their nostrils (look up and take a breath girl!). These women still don't give me the time of day, even when I'm giving them my slutty money, because I don't "fit the mold" of the desired VS customer. But they sure don't have a problem taking my slutty money when I buy a shit load of their slutty products.

Side note here: Something that has always stewed me about men and VS is that when a man (and I've known a few through the years who pride themselves on being such GREAT gift givers and have done this very thing) is trying to decide what to get as a gift for a woman who has recently lost some weight..usually a LOT of weight...the first thing that pops into those pea sized, pricky minds of theirs is a gift card from VS. Because suddenly she is attractive enough to wear the push-ups and the thongs. "Oh please take it. Enjoy. You'll feel like a new woman because 'damn girl' you look goooood". It never even begins to cross their minds that the rest of us "tub 'o lards" might enjoy being on the receiving end of that same gift card....because "damn girl" we smell gooooood, if nothing else. Dick brains.

I can't wear a stitch of anything made from any kind of fabric they have to offer. But I sure can, love, and do wear the layers of sensuousness in fragrance and potion for skin. It's never been about hoping to be transformed into an 'angel of desire' if I use what they sell. It's always been about how it makes me feel feminine and beautiful to me. If I don't feel it, no one else will either. It's indulgence for me, myself and I. I revel in femaleness and the things that go with that. In the times I have money, I spend it in VS. In the times I'm broke, I still go browse, play, experiment, and walk out smelling like a french whore. It's fabulous.

VS has made design and layout changes in their stores over the years. The lingerie has expanded to include jeans and shoes and sportswear...all of slutty proportions of course. And they've even started to acknowledge the fact that some of the 'bigger' girls of the world would like to buy a bra every now and again. They offer sizes up to a 38DD now. That still leaves me out. The packaging and fragrances have changed too. There are some things that I used to buy religiously that are no longer available today: like the red apple. It will always and forever be my first love of the sumptuous potions. It's like your first real love of a boyfriend. It sticks with you forever and that particular feeling never surfaces again, no matter how many different guys you date...and sometimes even the one you marry. There's only one first love. It is truly special...including VS.

The men in my life through the years have never really known about my love affair with VS. Most of them (the ones I've been serious with) knew that I would buy some of their products from time to time. I've always had baskets in my bathrooms filled with VS products for my own use and for the pleasure of those who visit me. Those men have known me to be be pretty prim and proper for the most part, about pretty much everything in life. They've never really known the slut that exists within me. Even the man I'm with today doesn't really have a clue of these things about me, I don't think...and it's just as well.

No matter who we are, where we are, who we are with, how we were raised, or the modesty restrictions we do or don't put on ourselves, there's a little slut in all of us. Some of us just prefer to be particular about who we reveal it to. In this case, Victoria's Secret knows all my slutty little secrets...and I don't think she's gonna tell.

Victoria's Secret sluts of the world unite!

No comments:

Post a Comment